Coffee, Donuts and a Road Trip
by Kye Above
Summary: Crack. It started in a coffee shop as a meeting for Near to reveal his proof that Light was Kira, and for Light's team to get free coffee and donuts. But then Light finds himself sold and on the run from Mello with Matt and Near. L just had to get involved as well. Will he ever get his Death Note back, and prove he's not gay? No, probably not.


**Know that a completely different set of events from canon took place before this story when reading it.**

**Warnings: Intended OOCness, some fowl words, and general crack.**

**I have no regrets. **

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Finally, Light would be able to rid the world of Near, and get revenge for his defeat at Go Fish the previous week. He had decided that when he gained full control of the world, he would either ban Go Fish, or rename it Go Die, because that name fit it so much more.

Near was also in his way, just as L had been, and Light knew he couldn't be bribed to stop his investigation, unlike Mello and L. Near was also a borderline criminal and a total asshole, and it would be surprising if anyone truly liked him. It didn't help that Near appeared to have swiped his Death Note sometime during their meeting last week.

Back to that game of Go Fish. Light was sure that Near had many of the cards he had asked for, but had been able to lie because, like every other confrontation they had, he was wearing a stupid mask. There was no way that anyone could be that good at Go Fish! But hopefully, this would be the last time they would ever meet. Either Near would finally switch over to Light's 'religion' or Near would die. Light smirked at these thoughts.

Near had contacted his team yet again, telling them that he _finally_ had useful information and to meet him at a local coffee shop. Light wondered if the kid really had proof that he was Kira, or if it was just some fabricated evidence that he often put forward to annoy him. Either way, they got free coffee and donuts, seeing as Near was paying. They had decided that they were going to make use of this.

When they entered the coffee shop, they spotted Near and his probably unwilling accomplices at the back. All of them did a double take when they saw Near's face. The boy wasn't wearing any disguise and Light couldn't help but admire Near's appearance. He was pretty good looking, in an L sort of way. Realizing what he had just thought, he slapped himself, with only random people in the coffee shop looking at him in confusion, due to everyone who knew him being used to actions like that.

Near motioned for them to come to the tables that had been pushed together to fit them all, a smirk on his face. Light remembered that that smirk was why Near had won the award for the creepiest smile ever since people had started entering him in the competitions. Light on the other hand won awards for most charming man. Matsuda and his father had also entered competitions like that, almost always winning the awards for Biggest Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass and Most Badass Father. Matsuda lost to Misa a few times though.

"Write down what you want from here on this paper, and I'll have Halle take the order and my manbitches bring it all back here." Near said, handing them the paper. It was obvious that he had expected them to have a large order due to the fact that it was twice the size of normal printer paper. Once Near had sent his minio-_Accomplices _to the counter_,_ Near began.

"I now believe I have the evidence to prove that Light Yagami is Kira." Everyone rolled their eyes. Near said this every time, and the only reason any of them still went to these meetings was because they always got something else out of it; like coffee and donuts. But this time, Near knew that he finally had the evidence to prove that he was right all along and that everyone should have listened to L.

"So what's your proof this time Near?" Light asked, hoping ever so much that the proof wasn't his Death Note. His hopes were shattered when Near pulled out said Death Note from the front of his shirt.

"This is my proof." Near's smirk grew wider at the looks of confusion on the faces of Light's team and the otherwise unnoticed look of annoyance on Light's face. This was cheating, Light decided. L had never cheated this much, unless it was when they played board games. Light didn't even know how L cheated so much, only that he did.

But back on subject, Light's team was yet again doubting Near's intelligence, which seemed to happen every time they met him. It was Matsuda that voiced the question they were all asking in their heads.

"What the hell Near? Is that Light's diary, where he's written down his confession or something?" At Matsuda's question, Near held up the Death Note for all to see. Everyone but Light leaned in to look.

"Death Note?"

"Wouldn't that be some emo's book?"

"I still don't get it."

"Light would never use a diary of that colour, he's more of a-"

Light cut his father off, lest his favourite colour be revealed to the world and also because he was tired of the questions already.

"You know Near, we often doubt your intelligence, but this just confirms that you're not as smart as you make yourself out to be. Do you really think, if I was Kira, that I'd write it down in a book that anyone could read?" Light smirked yet again, a habit he really needed to get out of. He knew that Near could easily explain, but anything that put someone at a lower status, even momentary, amused him.

Near put his hand on his cheek and looked away from them for a moment, honestly smiling. He was obviously remembering a fond memory.

"I admit, I'm definitely not as smart as my rank at Wammy's House makes me out to be. Mello was obviously the smartest one, but he was so 'in your face' about it. Seeing as I had blackmail on Matt, I had him change to test scores every time to make me seem smarter then Mello."

"Who the fuck is Matt?"

"Everyone asks that. So much that someone even made a song about it."

His dreamy smile than fell, and he got back to business.

"This book is not at all ordinary. It has the power to kill people by simply writing down a person's name while thinking of their face. Believe me, I tried it and it's awesome!" Near blinked a few times, realizing what he had just said. Shaking his head, he continued. "This could explain how Kira, Light, kills. More evidence to support this is that the default killing method is a heart attack." Near looked pleased with himself. Light's team looked at each other, either not being able to believe that a note book could kill, or unable to believe that Near was actually onto something.

'Oh Crap' Light thought, 'He's almost got me. I need to find a way out of this' Light used all his genius and came up with the obvious answer.

"So how does this prove that I'm Kira? For all we know you could be the mass murderer we seek. You did admit to using it."

Near actually looked stumped. For a few moments he just looked down at the table, twitching slightly. Then he remembered something that he had came across, that would totally save him from being jailed or executed. He opened up the book to the back, where very incriminating evidence laid. He held it up for everyone to see.

"As you can see, it's clearly written who this Death Note belongs to. It's obviously not the name Nate River..."

'Did the brat just give out his name?! Dammit, how is that spelt? N-A-I-T?'

"What is clearly written is the kanji, or whatever it's called for Night God Moon, or Yagami Tsuki, and if my adventures in anime land have taught me correctly, can be read as Yagami Raito..."

_N-A-Y-T?_

"Which is how the Japanese pronounce Light's-" Suddenly, Near stopped speaking, a look not recognized appearing on his face. This was what distracted Light's team from putting Light in hand-cuffs so they could take him into interrogate, due to the strong evidence against him, and the fact that it was obvious in hindsight. They also hadn't received their coffee and donuts yet.

Knowing that there was no way that Near's real name could be spelt N-A-T-E, because that was the way Canadians spelt it (And there was no way that Near could be Canadian), Light broke out of his thoughts in time to witness Near burst out laughing. It was even more maniacal then Light's own. Everyone watched in silence as this continued on. Finally the other people in the coffee shop started to complain, with shouts like 'Shut the damn kid up!' and 'I came here to get away from children!'

Having returned from ordering, and also carrying the drinks, Halle cuffed Near on the back of his head after placing the tray of drinks on the table. Near shut up right away, but then burst into a smaller fit of giggles.

"Near! Explain yourself!" Halle yelled, sounding like a disappointed mother, as she normally did, which was the reason why they had thought that she _was _Near's mother when they first met her. Either way, they felt bad for her.

Near had covered his mouth to restrict his giggling. Amusement and _life _danced through his eyes, a foreign thing to everyone staring at him. When he removed his hand to speak, he was grinning like the idiot he apparently was.

"I just realized what the romanji version of Light's surname is backwards!" He burst into another fit of giggles. "Imagay. It's Imagay! That explains so much!" Everyone on Light's team gasped, realizing that Near was right. All thoughts of Kira had disappeared from their minds. Light was currently blushing, having been wishing that no one would ever figure that one out. People might make the wrong assumption, forgetting that he had no control over what his surname was.

Near appeared to be ready to burst out laughing again, when he realized that Halle had brought the drinks. He reached over and grabbed his coffee, and took a long drink of it. Hesitantly, everyone else did as well. Currently, Halle was the only one at the table who still remembered why they originally gathered together, having already figured out that Light's last name gave away his sexuality.

"The coffee's alright, but I miss Tim Horton's." He sounded very disappointed and almost a bit disgusted, but after his laughing display, any honest expressions of emotion from Near would no longer surprise anyone.

"Who's Tim Hortons?"

"My best friend from when I was younger."

And then Near took another sip, and all they saw was the disgust.

Soon, the donuts arrived and the only thoughts of Light's team, Gevanni and Rester were only of eating the donuts. Light didn't like donuts very much, and Near knew better than to eat sugar, lest a sequel to _The Wammy's House Horror_ was made. So they sat across from each other, Light glaring and Near matching it in the form of a smirk. Light could tell that Near wanted to say so much more, and he wasn't sure what was stopping him. After about five minutes, Near had taken to flipping through the Death Note pages and eventually started writing down a few names.

"You know Near, writing down names in that thing only puts the possibility that you're Kira up even more." Light calmly stated before taking another sip of his tea. To his surprise, Near flipped him off, and didn't even bother to stop writing names. Light continued, "Whose names are you even writing down anyway?"

Near still didn't stop writing down names but at least he bothered to reply with words.

"I'm getting rid of some of the major competition against of my girlfriend. We've been having relationship problems lately, and I'm hoping that she'll forgive me if I do this."

Light was shocked. This little brat had a girlfriend?!

"I assume the reason you and L broke up was because of relationship problems and not just because of the fact that you're Kira. I don't want to happen with me and Linny." Near smirked and looked up, knowing that he would get a reaction from Light after that comment. He loved getting a rise out of people and he had perfected the art of being an asshole, but was still able to be a good person if enough motivation was applied. He always knew that pissing off people would one day get him killed, but until then, he would have his fun.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Light screamed, quickly standing up and slamming his hands down on the table.

This got the attention of everyone in the coffee shop. There were a few muttered whispers of 'Is that boy hitting on him?' and 'I guess I was wrong' and 'So no Yaoi today?' The one who said the last comment was then escorted out of the coffee shop and told never to come back, because the owner of the coffee shop was discriminative towards Yaoi and Shonen-Ai fangirls/boys. (That fangirl would one day get her revenge, but that's another story)

Once he noticed the audience that he had gathered, Light calmed and sat back down. He avoided Near's eyes, which held more amusement then they ever had. He was blushing, both from the embarrassment of the situation and from his anger towards Near. Near twirled his hair, though only Matsuda and Near's team noticed that it was really just a disguise of the crazy sign, and they couldn't help but agree with Near.

Taking a few breaths before hand, Light started to speak.

"I am engaged to be married. To a GIRL. I was never in a relationship with L. He left the investigation because he realized that there was much more he could do with his life." Light was pleased with his answer, and was sure that it would throw everyone off. But Near still wasn't done.

Many times, Near had crossed the line in his actions and in his words, as everyone that had lived at Wammy's House during the time Near lived there could tell you. Before his next words left his mouth, he only briefly wondered if they would be considered to be using the line as jumping rope. Or a noose.

"Have you had sex with her yet?"

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O.O

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8-o

=}

"What the _HELL_ is **wrong **with you?!" Light screamed, slapping Near afterwards. Halle jumped to attention, but Near raised left hand as a sign for her to not react, while using his right hand to rub his cheek. He didn't seem very fazed by Light slapping him, probably due to the fact that he was used to getting slapped. Near was polite enough to reply to Light's question honestly.

"Linda always said that it was a cry for help, Alternative thought I was just plain evil and that there was no help for me, Backup thought that I was the _perfect _child, but that's because he's really screwed up in the head, Mello thought that I was the devil's spawn, Roger and Matt just didn't care and everyone else thought I was just an anti-social asshole."

Light was about to reply with his agreement and disagreement with each of them, when suddenly a car drove through the side of the building. Once the dust cleared, everyone could see the driver, who now out of the car. Almost all the woman and a good amount of the men fainted from the young man's hotness. Even Light fainted, though in hindsight that's not so surprising.

Who was this dashing young man? It was Wammy's House very own Mail Jeevas, better known to his vast amount of fans as Matt. And his awesome car that may or may not be an alien robot.

Matt immediately walked over to Near's table and grabbed the short boy up by the back of his pyjamas. Near didn't say anything but did smirk, though the rest of his face showed that he was worried. Matt's face was grim. Grimmer than the Grim Reaper. The last time that happened, it turned out that Linda had been tricked into accepting a marriage proposal (But they had fun crashing the wedding and getting her out of it) and before hand it had been that the first two successors of L, Alternative and Backup had left Wammy's House (After which they proceeded to commit gruesome (but somehow funny and probably embarrassing to the victim) murders and got away with them because L owed them a favour). No matter what, this would not end well.

"Reluctantly, I ask what is so important that you were willing to leave the safeness of home and enter the world of your fangirls once again?" Near asked, using all of his will power to keep some form of a smirk on his face, but ever since Linda had came close to dumping him, he hadn't been able to keep his emotions in check or keep his poker face on. It didn't help that he had been repressing them for so long.

"Mello found out that your were blackmailing me, though not what the blackmail was, and also how I changed the test scores. He wants you dead. I'm here to save you because you still have that blackmail."

His eyes widening, Near got himself out of Matt's grasp. He grabbed at his hair and pulled, obviously scared out of his wits. Even though they had seen Near previous displays of extreme emotion beforehand, no one had ever seen him scared. Near grabbed the Death Note and once again stashed it in his shirt.

Near was about to race for Matt's car, when he remembered that he hadn't gotten a direct answer to his question about Light's relationship status with his fiance. He took out a check and pen and wrote down a random high amount of money and then handed it to Light's father.

"I'm buying your son. Goodbye." He then ordered Matt to help him bring Light to the car, as everyone watched in shock and some in slight horror. Matt only did what Near asked because he wanted to get the hell out before Mello tracked them down.

And with Near ridding shotgun and Light stashed in the back, Near and Matt were on their way, creating yet another hole in the coffee shot as they did. When the dust cleared, someone found a note that said '_I'll pay for all that! - Near' _

Everyone in the coffee shop was in shock, and no one spoke for the rest of the day, even after they had long gone home. It wasn't until the next day that Light's father really took a look at the check that Near had left him.

"THIS! It's wonderful, awesome and so worth loosing my only son, who is probably Kira!"

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And Light? Currently screaming in the back of Matt's car.

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**This won't be a very long story if I write more (And when I first got the idea, I intended it to be a one-shot)**

**So what's going to happen next? No clue, I'm making this all up as I go along.**


End file.
